12/2/13 02:15 pm - Well here's a surprise.
I've recently reviewed this dusty old blog, been surprised at the historical interest I've found in it, and I've even imagined at times that it may yet hold some future. It's really a surprise though that I'm here today, and for the reason that is.
For a long moment there, Livejournal hesitated, and I feared that it had lost its code for my "Post to journal". ;)
I'm here because I wrote a long facebook 'comment', and by the time I posted it, it felt like it belonged here. If anyone's around, I love you, and you can see that this quote addresses *some* aspects of the four years since I was a blogger. Thankfully, I'm okay with not tying everything together.
"The timing of your post, ----, inspires me to write at some length.
I had an accident recently which has sidelined me from work, and created more emotional and financial stress than I’ve faced in some years. After I endured the initial aftershocks, however, I was stricken by how very lucky I am. You may be familiar with some form of this formula that hit me like a ton of timely bricks:
“Post traumatic growth
1. My priorities have changed—I’m not afraid to do what makes me happy.
2. I feel closer to my friends and family.
3. I understand myself better, I know who I really am now.
4. I have a new sense of meaning and purpose.
5. I’m better able to focus on my goals and dreams.”
My challenges and opportunities in life are different than yours, ----, but I resonate with your dilemma. When I first went to college (not until 2006) I focused on political science, and I often found it rewarding, but my creative self-- selves, truly!-- cried hungrily. I ended up focusing on filmmaking and arts *instead* of political science, and interestingly, some of my creative selves *still* went hungry. I was partially consumed by the conventional forms, standards and expectations of my academic and creative communities.
I had to retreat in some ways after graduation, to find some safe stable ground. I got a job that’s generally easy, comfortable, enjoyable, and somewhat inspiring. It’s also a job that does nothing *directly* to further my main career and creative goals. However, it has given me the (reasonably) firm base from which to explore my creative drives more freely (creatively!) than I did in school.
I made progress through those creative drives, especially recently—but this accident (actually the second this year, and that greatly increases the impact!) is the most dramatic wake-up call I’ve ever heard that *hey*: life is fragile and precious, time is fleeting, and I always have so ineffably *much* to gain and so much to lose.
I guess that’s a bit of a twist, because people can be inspired by the idea of having nothing left to lose—but that’s a matter of timing, isn’t it? When you’re super down, you may need to pull yourself up with the fearlessness of a hopeless fool… but after you’ve gotten up, you can see *what* you’ve gotten back to, and be utterly amazed by both its bounty and its deficits. You’ve been outside and you have that perspective.
I care more deeply about everything, right now, especially the humans (everyone) who have often scared me in the past with their diverging hopes and fears. That social motivation multiplies the career and creative possibilities that roil through me more bravely and buoyantly than even in my idealistic youth. Like you, I consider hybrids or amalgamations of interests. I’d already had one great (but “supporting role”) experience through kickstarter.com, and I know that crowdfunding *can* support my main creative projects *if* I reach beyond my customary cautions and habits.
The one thing I always come back to, however, despite a lifetime of letting it go, is how deeply I want to sing. To sing freely and bravely. (I’m not sure if you knew that.) I may finally be sufficiently ready, if I accept and love myself enough to be 'me’ in front of this wide world.
Thank you for inspiring some of these latest thoughts, ----. I’m so glad that you asked people for feedback, and that you look unbelievably happy in your own daydream. It’s alive, it's growing, and it needs light and nourishment to become irresistibly greater."